Confessions
by KyraBear
Summary: Elliot makes his way to church, to confess to an old friend, about some not-so-simple feelings he has for someone besides his wife.
1. Chapter 1

Saint Xavier Francis

November18th

Elliot sat in the small booth on his side of the confessional, the closet esque room was dark, only lit through the flickering of a candle on the other side of the gate to his right.

He fidgeted, nervously waiting for the priest to take his seat, which he did silently scaring Elliot, who was already just a bundle of wired nerves, with the clearing of his throat.

Elliot decided it was better to just jump into it, after all he had already told the father why.

Elliot had come in early last saturday waiting silently in the pews for mass to be over before addressing his old friend.

"Father Marcus." He had said and Andrew turned to face him, knowing that tone well. He embraced his younger friend and told him to meet come back to the church today.

"Forgive me Father but I have sinned, it has been," Elliot stopped counting just how long it had been. "Two years since my last confession."

Father Andrew Marcus said nothing, he just listened silently staring straight ahead waiting for whatever bomb his old friend was about to drop.

"I've sinned quite a lot, and I've paid my penance, and their have been sins that I have committed where I felt no guilt Father. Because what I did I did to help people, and to save lives." Elliot's breathing had slowed as he began to relax in the presence of a priest.

"But?" Father Marcus prodded after waiting a few breaths, he still look straight ahead, only sneaking in a few looks at Elliot, one of the boys that had been in his parish. He held a gut of twisted knots worrying about what Elliot would say next. He had known Elliot his entire life and the worst thing he had ever confessed to was to taking a cookie out of the jar without asking. He was a good boy that wore a carrot costume, and Marcus was sure that he had grown into a solid good man.

"But I have this feeling that I can't shake, and it isn't good Father." Elliot said he was trying to stall admitting his sin for as long as he could, ashamed that he had to tell Marcus, but not trusting anyone else to know.

"Tell me son." He said finally in response, hoping that he might be able to help Elliot carry some of this weight that was visibly crushing him.

"I desire someone who isn't my wife." Elliot said in a rush and winced waiting, waiting for a reaction he was sure to come.

"Ahhh…." The priest said, this would be the third confession like that today. He waited knowing what would come next. Her body this and Her lips that and all sorts of things that objectified women and made them someone to blame so grown men wouldn't have to take responsibility when they ruined their marriage.

"But Father, I don't desire her, not for her flesh." Well not only for her flesh Elliot thought thinking about the curve of her waist to her hips.

"Oh?"

"I desire to hear her laugh, to hear the sound of her voice in the morning, and to make her pancakes. I don't care what I'm doing as long as I'm with her." Elliot said imagining it in his head, every second of the day would be pure joy.

"And have you acted on these feelings?"

"No, I could never do that, to Kathy or to her, and to myself. It kills me everyday knowing that I want her, knowing that she isn't the woman I married, it takes all I have not to leave everything everyone until all the feelings gone."

"So one last question, for today, we will have to get back to this, mass starts in five minutes. Elliot who is it that you feel so strongly for?"

Elliot blanched, he wasn't sure he could say it outloud. He had pictured her in his arms before, had pictured the way their bodies would fit together like spoons when they cuddled or the way that her dark hair would tickle his nose when he lay behind her, arm around while she slept.

His heart raced once again and he heard the first people of this next mass begin to shuffle in.

"Olivia Benson." He said finally, "my partner on the force."

Elliot finished before walking out of the door, not even waiting for a response, his heart race on his way back to the precinct his shift starting in fifteen minutes,


	2. Chapter 2

Saint Xavier Francis

November 19th

"Bless me Father for I have sinned it has been one day since my last confession." Elliot said slipping into the seat in his booth.

The Priest sighed, he was little sick of the usual routine. "Lets skip the formalities Elliot." He sighed and Elliot was silent on the other side, he was surprised by how lax Father Marcus

"Elliot, to be honest with you, I don't believe that you would ever want someone besides your wife without reason, and I want to understand. So Elliot, please, tell me of the first time you felt this way towards this.. Olivia?" He said and he folded his hands in his lap, and closed his eyes waiting for the story to unfold.

Elliot sat there stunned, then began to think, began to remember.

"It was, uh, it was her second week on the job, and Cragen finally thought she was ready for the field."

Cragen had had a serious anger management problem back then, yelling at nearly everyone he had come in contact with but Elliot had seen him soften to this new transfer, Olivia, Olivia Benson.

After a week of desk work he began to feel sorry for her and told Cragen she was ready for the field, and he believed she was.

It had been a rape, homicide, and the CSU had warned them it was gruesome, it was then he first saw Olivia's determination, she had blanched at those words but swallowed her fear and pushed through the yellow tape.

Elliot had barely rounded the corner when he saw her come back out. Her face was stricken with pure horror though she tried to mask it. When she got clear of the rest of the squad she began to run.

He followed her silently and then quickly jogging after the trench coat she wore in the cold.

When he caught up to her she was behind an alley way, crumpled over a trash can losing her lunch. Elliot reached out to her gently, he put one arm on the small of her back. "It's okay," he had said and with the other hand he held her shoulder length hair out of her face as she retched.

When she had finished she turned to him wide eyed. "I just…. I wanted to be strong." She said and he saw the beginning of tears in her eyes.

Elliot remembered delicately how the first month she worked there she tried to swallow the horror and yet after a victim's testimony she would excuse herself to the lady's room, coming back with fresh eyeliner from the tears that had streaked down her face.

"You wanted to be one of the boys." Elliot said and he pulled her to his chest. "But its your caring that will make you stronger, and more invested than any one of us."

He held her in his arms for a few moments longer then she pulled away and used the palm of her hands to wipe away a tear. She brushed herself off then looked at him with a steely determination. "I'm ready." She said picking her chin up. And he had believed her looking into those brown eyes. "Okay, shall we go?" He asked and before he knew what he was doing he had held out his hand to hers waiting as she intertwined them carefully before taking her back to the crime scene.

Elliot had never told anyone about that day, partially because he knew that Olivia was still trying to 'hang with the boys' and partially because he wasn't sure how he felt about it.

"She was new." Elliot said, "And she couldn't handle it, and I was there."

Like he always would, no matter what he knew he would always come running anytime she needed him.

That was the day he thought he knew her.


End file.
